Chicken Noodle Soup

December 31, 2011

In the past few days I have had a surge of symptoms. Hunger, nausea, heartburn, belly spasms, frequent urination and superhuman smell. Many of these I was already having but contributed it to the cold symptoms and medicinal effects. As you can see my artillery of cold medicine has been enough to take out a small army of elephants.

Yesterday I woke up earlier than normal and had a episode of heartburn and nausea. I have always been the kind that if I woke up too early and too abruptly, it caused me to become nauseous, but this was different. I was starving! Hunger pains that I felt the need to just put something in my stomach. I tried a Newton Thin and it was unappealing. I wanted something hot! We went to Chik-Fil-A and ordered chicken noodle soup. My crave is chicken noodle soup. As I was waiting in line, a man turned around next to me with a tray of waffle fries. I caught a wiff and was immediately disgusted. I guess I will stick to my favorite...Lipton Noodle Soup in the un-smelly comfort of my own home. 

Last night I could not sleep. I was having major anxiety about taking cold medicine so I called the on call physician at my obgyn center. He said sudafed and robitussin and tylenol are okay. I don't understand how they won't sell sudafed from the shelf and require an id but yet it is safe for pregnancy. I have a feeling I am going to be a paranoid pregnant person. I also had to get up at 11pm and eat something. I shoved down two hawaiian rolls. I did not share with the dogs this time. I went back to bed and rested until


This morning was the same. I started with an almond Kashi bar. It tasted and felt like I was chewing on corrugated cardboard. Two bites and in the trash. Then I moved to a cup of mandarine oranges and devoured those. I was still hungry, so I foraged through the fridge and found string cheese. It was enough to keep me satiated for an hour or so.... until I wanted chicken noodle soup.

Pink Lines

December 29, 2011


Christmas was nice and quiet. Uneventful, or so we thought. Other than lying around the house, watching movies, and occasionally going out, we pretty much did nothing. 


I had started getting a head cold Christmas Eve that has me down for the count most of the time. I had been going through the usual routine with a cold. Hot showers, hot liquids, menthol, heating pad around the head, mucinex, vitamin c and zinc and lots of Lipton chicken noodle soup (and yes it has to be Lipton because it has the salty broth that just opens my sinuses.)


I was expecting my "monthly friend" to come calling around Christmas as she usually comes on any significant day of my life making those moments so wonderful(sarcasm) and this time it didn't happen. So I shrugged it off and said tomorrow... and that didn't happen. I did this for about four days until I started to wonder if possibly, maybe, could I be?...no...can't be. But to be safe since I was taking so much medicine, we bought two tests from the pharmacy along with a stock of vicks and mucinex.


Now taking these tests is like watching a gory horror movie. You are pretty sure you know what the outcome will be and you know what is about to happen but you close your eyes to avoid that image being burned in your brain. I avoid taking these tests because I have never had it end the way I wanted. I waited a few hours until it was time to take my medicine for the evening and figured the whole point was to know so I don't take medicine if I am pregnant. So I went in to our bathroom and expected one line. Always just one line. As the little stick rested on the counter a pink line appeared but it seemed to be a little too far to the left than what I remembered. In my brain I was mentally trying to make it move right like I had the power of an Xmen. And then a second line appeared on the right. Two lines? What is this?! My heart was beating 90 to nothing and then stopped. To the side two lines meant "pregnant." I took the stick and set it down and just tried to breath normal for about 5 minutes. When my senses slowly came back I realized I was grinning and laughing. I could hear my poor husband bumbling around in the living room with no idea that I just took this test and no idea what was about to hit him. 

I couldn't decide if I wanted to hide it or run and show him. I felt like I was holding a weapon. It was too late to decide because he came around the corner and I just held the stick up without a word. He looked and said "What is that?...You drew that!" That was not the reaction I was expecting, but ok, so I said "No. I didn't. I just took it." There was some hesitation and disbelief and then he slowly grinned from ear to ear. 


We were pregnant, or at least this test says we are. So we giggled around in disbelief for an hour and finally decided it made sense. I snapped a photo and sent it to our parents and my closest friends just to make sure this was real. Everyone was very excited but I think we were still in shock. How had this happened? We weren't even trying and I wasn't even taking Chlomid yet. So for reassurance that this was not some fluke test, I took another and this time I used the pee in the cup method. I wanted to rule out all possibility of human error. And same result. I was insane expecting something different. Two lines in about 15 seconds. Yes indeed. We are pregnant!

Catching Up

I have not posted in awhile, September to be exact. It's been a crazy three months to say the least. To catch you up here is what happened:


In September I had laparascopic surgery to remove endometrial tissue around my uterus that was causing severe pain and discomfort and possibly hindering our ability to conceive. The made three small holes: one in belly button and two in my lower abdomen right above pubic area. They went in with a camera and laser and removed spots of endometriosis or any adhesion.  It was fairly easy and I had minimal discomfort. About 5 days later I was back to my usual routine (sans heavy lifting) and had a positive outlook that soon we would be pregnant. Doctor M. says most patients are pregnant within 3 months of the procedure. One step closer to baby.


I was excited that soon we would be pregnant and also packing up to head to Georgia for the wedding of one of my dearest friends and my little sister in ZTA, Pam. I was going to quickly fly out for a weekend for her wedding and return for work. I had taken so much time already for doctor's appointments and scans at MDA and then the endometrial ablasion. 


The morning of the wedding I was out and about running errands and checked my voicemail. I had a message from the physician's assistant at MDA stating that they found some growths in my pancreas and I needed to come in for ct scans. My heart sank because this was the news I was not wanting to hear. 


Steve Jobs had just passes away from pancreatic tumors that are similar to the kind caused by MEN1 and that elevated my fear. I had dodged it for so long and now another road block to getting pregnant as well as a possible threat to my life. I continued on that weekend happy for my friend but with a heavy heart wondering what lay around the corner.

I returned and immediately scheduled ct scans of my pancreas. The doctor suggested I not pursue pregnancy until this matter is resolved. They found three tumors less than a centimeter each in the tail of my pancreas. During all these tests and waiting so many things went through my mind. If I have cancer and have to undergo treatment, what will this mean for ever getting pregnant? Would we do an egg retrieval? Could I ever have a safe pregnancy? Is this God's way of telling me I am not meant to be a mother? 


After labs, I met with another endocrinologist that specializes in pancreatic tumors of MEN1 patients. The good news was that these tumors do not seem to be secreting hormones significant to cause alarm right now. For most MEN-ers, these small non-functioning pancreatic tumors are common and since we will spend our lives dealing with them, the best things is to only surgically remove when they are a real problem and learn to just live with them if they are just sitting there.We will monitor them closely and when they do become a problem, then we can discuss surgical options.


I asked him about getting pregnant and he said "Live your life." I think this was the most profound thing I remember throughout this whole ordeal. I was so busy worried about the kind of life I COULD have that I wasn't living the life I had RIGHT NOW. It was like having handcuffs taken off. It was a right to not worry and to not let the "what ifs" stop me. So I went home with a sense of relief and decided to just live my life from now to Christmas not worrying about tumors, cancer, death or even trying to get pregnant. I had enough to worry about on my plate at work and that was sufficient and I was going to enjoy my holiday relaxing.


Relax we did! We didn't do anything. We decided to stay home and not head back to Georgia. We did a little shopping and some things around the house but it was a relatively quiet Christmas. Exactly what we needed!

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Written on August 3, 2011:

Break ups are hard! They hurt. You put your heart and soul into someone (or something) and things are wonderful. You think life can't get any better. Then WHAM! It's over. You don't really understand why. You go over and over in your head the "shoulda's" and "woulda's". You consider all the possibilities to save the relationship. You beg and plead. You cry and find false hope in little shreds that maybe....just maybe things will go back and you can begin to breath again. But they don't. You cry and become depressed, then angry and resentful, then finally you just accept. It is what it is. Time to move on. Things are about to change and you just have to roll with it. I have been going through a long, drawn out breakup, not with one particular person, but with my life as I knew it for the past two years.

Change is inevitable. I usually handle it well, but the latest changes have presented a challenge for me. I had finally settled in to house, made neighbors, secured my place at a job and established friendships all around me. I was comfortable. I loved where I worked and who I worked for. I felt respected and appreciated. My personal life and professional life had merged. My coworkers were my best friends. The same people I saw everyday were the same people my husband and I would hang out with on the weekends. We shared our lives with these people and they equally shared theirs. But suddenly those things were changing and it was completely out of my control. I felt like someone was breaking up with me, and I had done nothing wrong. I had worked hard and given everything. I was heartbroken.

Our district was reallocating positions due to a new campus opening and shifting campus zoning. Our campus was losing positions and since I was more recently hired, I would be one of the first to go. Performance was not a consideration. It was simply based on hire date. I was going to have to move to a new campus about 15 minutes away and change grade levels. I was going to have to learn a whole new campus climate, procedures, and make new friends. I was not happy. I felt like I was being dumped.

Two years ago I found myself married and a month later moved to another state, a new job, and a new circle of friends. My husband had been offered a job transfer within his company from Augusta, Georgia to Houston, Texas. I prayed about the move and knew that it was a fantastic opportunity for my new husband. I wanted to be a supportive wife. I was feeling the need for a change in my employment and saw his offer as an opportunity for myself as well. I was excited and knew this was God's plan for us. I accepted this change whole-heartedly without shedding a tear. If I could accept those changes, those HUGE changes, why has it been so difficult to accept this recent change?

How do I learn to accept this change with a joyful heart? How do I find a way to be positive about the changes in my life and get excited and hopeful about this new job location? I just pray for myself that I can accept these changes because I do believe things happen as God intends them, and I need to just sit back and enjoy the ride because I am not the driver.