In September I had laparascopic surgery to remove endometrial tissue around my uterus that was causing severe pain and discomfort and possibly hindering our ability to conceive. The made three small holes: one in belly button and two in my lower abdomen right above pubic area. They went in with a camera and laser and removed spots of endometriosis or any adhesion. It was fairly easy and I had minimal discomfort. About 5 days later I was back to my usual routine (sans heavy lifting) and had a positive outlook that soon we would be pregnant. Doctor M. says most patients are pregnant within 3 months of the procedure. One step closer to baby.
I was excited that soon we would be pregnant and also packing up to head to Georgia for the wedding of one of my dearest friends and my little sister in ZTA, Pam. I was going to quickly fly out for a weekend for her wedding and return for work. I had taken so much time already for doctor's appointments and scans at MDA and then the endometrial ablasion.
The morning of the wedding I was out and about running errands and checked my voicemail. I had a message from the physician's assistant at MDA stating that they found some growths in my pancreas and I needed to come in for ct scans. My heart sank because this was the news I was not wanting to hear.
Steve Jobs had just passes away from pancreatic tumors that are similar to the kind caused by MEN1 and that elevated my fear. I had dodged it for so long and now another road block to getting pregnant as well as a possible threat to my life. I continued on that weekend happy for my friend but with a heavy heart wondering what lay around the corner.
I returned and immediately scheduled ct scans of my pancreas. The doctor suggested I not pursue pregnancy until this matter is resolved. They found three tumors less than a centimeter each in the tail of my pancreas. During all these tests and waiting so many things went through my mind. If I have cancer and have to undergo treatment, what will this mean for ever getting pregnant? Would we do an egg retrieval? Could I ever have a safe pregnancy? Is this God's way of telling me I am not meant to be a mother?
After labs, I met with another endocrinologist that specializes in pancreatic tumors of MEN1 patients. The good news was that these tumors do not seem to be secreting hormones significant to cause alarm right now. For most MEN-ers, these small non-functioning pancreatic tumors are common and since we will spend our lives dealing with them, the best things is to only surgically remove when they are a real problem and learn to just live with them if they are just sitting there.We will monitor them closely and when they do become a problem, then we can discuss surgical options.
I asked him about getting pregnant and he said "Live your life." I think this was the most profound thing I remember throughout this whole ordeal. I was so busy worried about the kind of life I COULD have that I wasn't living the life I had RIGHT NOW. It was like having handcuffs taken off. It was a right to not worry and to not let the "what ifs" stop me. So I went home with a sense of relief and decided to just live my life from now to Christmas not worrying about tumors, cancer, death or even trying to get pregnant. I had enough to worry about on my plate at work and that was sufficient and I was going to enjoy my holiday relaxing.
Relax we did! We didn't do anything. We decided to stay home and not head back to Georgia. We did a little shopping and some things around the house but it was a relatively quiet Christmas. Exactly what we needed!
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